An evening of perfect music and some sheesha. I don't want to write because writing means thinking and thinking brings to mind things I would rather not have in my mind right now.

I am back to life as a straight line right now. Busy with engagement plans of a friend, planning things that might or might not happen but are fun thinking about, meeting people of whom I have no expectations about... In fact, I don't have many expectations about most people these days.

Scratch that. I do have expectations. I expect them all to let me down at some point or the other, so I have no expectations, if that makes any sense to you. But with that tenet, life works.

But over various conversations with various people, some things come to mind:

Do we all reach a point where we undo our expectations so much just so we can be with someone? A girl who was completely opposed to an arranged match is okay with it now. And I think I might reach that point soon. Not because I want to be married but I want to be with someone and I hate myself for even thinking that.

Do soulmates really exist?

Is it possible to have that perfect job and get loads of money for doing it?

Why is money always relative to me? I never seem to have a grip on it. It flows easier than water through my fingers.

I am not a team player. I am a bad organizer. I can give you all the moral support you want but honestly, when I've to get something done, I don't do it. I don't push myself enough for it.

okay i'm not gonna ruin a nice mood for now. over n out

Two Years Later...

Two years. Blink of an eye. They almost seem synonymous right now. I cannot believe that I’ve been working for two years. I’ve been an ‘adult’ by whatever definition for 2 years. If being an adult means having a steady job and paying bills and taxes (not my definition).

What really happened in those years? I know I should perhaps be making statements like I’ve learnt so much etc etc but so much of what happened outside work seems more relevant right now.

Of course I learnt stuff. I didn’t have a clue about business and stock maket and now I can explain the recession to you. Talk about funds, stock markets, reasons why shares fall, stupidity of people and so much more.

Is it a real job? Of course it is. But I still feel like I’m in college or something. For a while I was all charged up and then... the professionalism vanished. I couldn’t fire myself up to get up and take charge and all that.

Perhaps it was that brief stint as a shift leader where I failed so pathetically. I haven’t failed at anything. So when I dropped so fricking bad and without even knowing why, it was damn shocking. Of course I’ll never know how much I really failed and how much was other things. So that is quite pissing off.

But life happened elsewhere. I traveled so much – Gokarna, Goa, Coorg, Pondi, Hyderabad, Italy (!!!), multiple trips to Goa this year, Hampi… which perhaps explains the lack of funds in my account. I lived lavishly. It was all me me me. Apparently that is how we live in our first jobs. But somewhere down the line I began to wonder – what is the purpose? What am I doing? This wasn’t why I became a journalist. I didn’t mean to sit at a desk and chart out stories.

Journalism has changed so much – from the times the books I read for inspiration were written. From the time the people I read about did reporting. From even the time I started studying. Internet was slowly building itself up to be a phenomenon. Cell phones hadn’t been married with internet capabilities and tied up with cameras. The prices of cameras weren’t so cheap that everyone could get a camera and photoshop the pictures. Everyone did not get a word processor and write a story.

So what do I really do as a journalist? As a writer? I do not know. Honestly.

Today a friend asked me – why conflict journalism? Go cover wars and regions with trouble?

For a moment I wondered – yes, why? Why did I want to do that all those years ago? I can’t remember and that is a little scary.

But as I spoke I realized it was because this wasn’t a perfect world. This wasn’t a world where people were naturally honest and naturally wanted to live in peace together. And maybe… just maybe… I could play my part in changing that. I know world peace is a myth. But there could be a little more of the peace, a little more of the good. And I want to play my part in it. Yes, for the glory and being an adrenaline junkie. But also because somewhere, in my days of innocence and naivety, I wanted to make a difference. I still do. That is why.

But I’m scared that when I get out there, I will lose that last bit of innocence that I do have. That things are really as horrible as people make it out to be and there is nothing that will improve it. Women are abused and children are murdered every day. Men kill each other in the name of religion and caste and language and every other excuse they can think of and they come up with worse ways to do that every time. That this is how it will end. And that I will just be horrible at what I do. That I will not have the courage, the motivation or the inspiration go do what I set out to do.

And before all that, I have no clue where to start.

I believe in the company I work for. In the time when I don’t trust news channels, laugh at newspapers and their attempts to sensationalize news, I believe in what we do. I believe we still have some of those old values of accuracy and balance and we just report it the way it is, not take sides. Of course, my pay could be better but I like the people, the company.

So because of all that, I am still standing at crossroads, unsure of what I want to do and getting quite annoyed with myself.

A New Walled Facebook?

So imagine this – the same old facebook with the feeds and all the nonsense but you create a small wall for just your business people. You know those bosses or colleagues who add you but are not really friends etc.

This can’t be handled with lists… because this comes with a complete customized page which those people can see. So you can share certain links and news with this page and not intrude your nonsense views on the other side.

Right now facebook is all or nothing. Only photos has an option of filtering certain people, depending on the album. But links and certain comments have no such options.

So now a new Facebook with this more professional page where your bikini-clad pictures won’t appear the minute you are tagged. If you want those people to see all that stuff and make them think you are not all work, you can click one little button and make the wall transparent for that section.

Meanwhile all the Farmville feeds and all such nonsense will continue on your personal feed anyway.

All this is harvested to your regular homepage, like now. With maybe that old option of “more about her, less about him”.

With so much overlap between professional and personal lives, it would be nice to get back some control. So often I’ve wished to share something with my office crowd and block it to other people or vice versa. It would be nice to add those professional friends on Facebook to, because let’s face it, everyone who is someone is on this. But I do not want them to see my silly profile pictures and captions and status messages. Unless I intend them to. But I would still like them to see some version of it anyway.

So… a walled Facebook.

Are you listening, Facebook?

Helluva venting... and some Grey's Anatomy

I'm sorta over Grey's Anatomy. finished season 3 and there is just too much misery. I do know that it is set in a hospital but the other main characters. Where are the necessary happy endings to give the people the bare dosage of endorphins so they continue to watch???

Meredith and McDreamy continue to have problems, just when you think they have got their act together. I mean couldn't they just let them be for at least one season. give that girl some episodes to act and smile.

And it is not just them. everyone - they take it to the brink and then just drop it. Callie and George, Izzy and George, Alex and all the women he keeps falling in love with and then pushes away, Addison and all the guys she keeps hooking up with and not able to get, Burke and Christina who were forever engaged in a tug of war and finally he ditches her at the altar for no good reason. WTF?!?!?!?!? happy endings anyone???

And then there are more interns coming in for more drama... and more steam. seriously! solve the problems that exist right now.

yeah i remember it is a soap...

and now to the venting part of the program...

How does it happen that one simple sentence turn into a huge argument? You think you know someone but then you realise when they are in a relationship the someone is actually a chemical reaction very dependent on the other someone in the relationship. and the end result might not be very conducive to all kinds of relationships with the someone. for instance, friendship.

And then you think maybe it just isn't the chem reaction between the two someones. the first one already had to have these elements in this and the second one was only a catalyst for the reaction.

Whatever be the truth, it is just a fricking mess. And for once, I was almost an adult. I wanted to bitch, call names and get totally irrational. But I stuck to the side of rationality as much as possible and I said take a step back, look at the bigger picture and... leave it.

But then the first one's someone mails in. nasty mails... with accusations flying around. I thought I would take the high road and ignore it but it kept pricking at me, ruining my precious weekend. Because it made me feel cheap, dirty and extremely exposed. Why? Because my ex-boyfriend's current girlfriend went through all the mails/conversations we had.

that is an invasion of privacy and if this were the US, i could possibly even sue. But right now, i just want to punch them. (I am turning into a really violent person!!) But i do. The girl's jealous of a girl the guy has not seen in over two years and dated for a short, really brief period of technically 3 months but really about a month. And has had two other girlfriends since. The funny part is... we were friends before and after.

But apparently that was my mistake. and i'm really paying for it... she sends me nasty mails and says get a life. Oh did i mention I've never met the girl and they've been dating and living together for a year? on a completely different continent? And he puts up nasty msgs on networking sites. Btw, we are all in our 20s. I didn't have this even in highschool.

I know i should probably ignore it. But I just wanted your opinion, people. Who over reacted here? Yeah i've not put how or why the argument started... but just look the two graphs up there and tell me... overreaction? Juvenile?

Can Ex(s) ever be friends?

It is a question that I have to ask after two years of being friends with one of them. Irony, anyone? I believed that the two people in the relationship should want to be friends even after it went down the drain. Especially if there weren't big problems in the relationship to start with.

But now I find out that apparently, once an ex, always an ex. Has a nice ring to it.

If you were friends before and if you can be friends after, perhaps the pain buffered by the distance till it is over, shouldn't you take it up? You have been intimate with a partner the way you haven't been with anyone else, but if you choose to, those memories can be modified so it just adds to how good friends we are?

Am I being naive or am i being super adult and modern? My ex's girlfriend has issues with me. A woman he hasn't seen in more than 2 years and dated for 3 months. it was the most perfect relationship because it was short and it was cute. perhaps if we had stretched it, it would get messy and all that but for what it was, it was cute. And because of that, we were friends.

Since then I've grown so much. The things that i have seen and experienced have pushed away that sort-of innocent woman that I was and turned up the cynicism meter. And as they say, you can never go back. yet here I am, being accused by the girlfriend of something. I say something because I am not sure what i'm being accused of. it is just one of those things which keep growing beyond your control.

but answer me this - when you end a relationship, do you also end all rights to a person, even those you held as a friend. and no matter how much time passes, can you never get those rights back?

Working in a restaurant

100 Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do (Part 1)

Came across this article in NYT today and instantly was taken back to those waitressing days. I agree with somethings in it... most of it actually and strongly disagree with some of it. Of course, the style sometimes depends on the restaurants. If you go to a restaurant in Italy, he will tell you what is good and he will tell you what is a bad combo if you make the mistake of ordering it. You can still order it but at your own risk, and i've found that it generally isn't wise to ignore their advice.

So then I started thinking about what I learnt in a restaurant:

1. The customer is not always right.
There are those cranky, bitchy customers and they get minimal service. Because as a customer - it is their duty to behave well too. You might out for a chilled night out but that doesn't mean you make other people's lives hell.

2. Talk to them.
Not to a honeymooning couple. But judge the body language. Smile, exchange a few words. It makes your job more than a docket and a table. And it earns better tips

3. Indians do not make good customers

Some do. The global, well-traveled people. But mostly, they treat you like a 'waiter'. They make 'shh shh' sounds to attract your attention, they always order in bits regardless of how busy the restaurant is, they are miserly tippers and they wonder why on earth is an Indian girl waitressing.

4. Arabs make worse customers

At least all the ones that walked my way. I strongly protested when my boss grumbled when a party walked in. I volunteered to take them, in my shiny-eyed days. It was a slow day. They were the first customers. The restaurant was still shiny and clean, there was plenty of cutlery and plenty of everything. There were just 6 of them and I was able to handle about 50 people alone by that time. Ten minutes later, i was not too sure about my saintly patience. He thought I was a genie who could make everything appear as the words left his mouth. The kids were rude and ill-mannered and messy. Coke was on the floor as was some of the food they ordered. A glass was broken and the kids were loud.

5. When people treat you like a sex object, you do not have to be nice to them.

One cold, windy, rainy saturday night when we were full to the extreme outside table, two men walked in with three kids. We told them we had no space but they said they would wait. We told them there was no real estimated time but they said they would wait. Except ten minutes later the dad - the 'alpha' got a little antsy and then got real mad because they didn't have a table. Too busy to argue or punch his face, we quickly moved a table whose people just left and dumped them there. Unfortunately, it was right in the middle of the restaurant. But hey, two men, three kids, how much could they want right? It started with 4 beers. For the two men... who wanted the back up beer replaced as soon as the first one was over. Reminder - we are a family restaurant. NOT a tavern. They wanted hot food in five minutes. They wanted coke for the kids, fanta for another and lemonade for yet another. With specific ice cubes. My friend lost her patience and asked me to take them before she dumped an ice bucket on his head.

And then the younger guy coaches the 12-year old kid to flirt and hit on me, get my number and check me out. I should've dumped the bucket then. Coulda woulda shoulda. All this cuz that moron alpha had a platinum BMW card, which means loaded. asshole.

6. There is a rhythm to the chaos.

When you are sitting there, sipping your drink, listening to the quiet music and the bustle, you do not realise how chaotic it is in the kitchen. And how there is a music to that chaos. The chefs cooking multiple orders at a go, one person separating the orders cooked and putting them on a plate, the waiters bringing in new orders and swinging out with the old ones, rushing in for emergency replacements, people washing dishes as the dirty ones come in and replacing them, complaints from various people about some food or the other, the temper tantrums and yelling when the complaints come in and simultaneously fixing whatever was supposed to be wrong. and the phone ringing off the hook. answering the phone, writing down the takeaway order while making a drink for an impatient table. swinging the drink towards someone to push it to the table and pushing the order into the kitchen and collecting an order ready for a waiting customer. billing him and taking the payment as you enter yet another drink for someone else's table. sending out the bill for one table and collecting the bill for another while struggling to make thick froth for a cappucino. serving the cappucino and collecting the dirty dishes and a dessert order from another table. serving the dessert and setting up another table for new chaos.

whew. i miss it.

we swing, we multitask, we swear, we laugh. and all that you notice sitting outside with your drink is food coming out and dirty dishes going in. not the slight line on the forehead as we wait by your side as you delibrate over your dishes or if you want more mushrooms or more olives. not the way the body seems to move fluidly but the feet are fast dodging moving chairs and people carrying heavy plates. we swirl around each other, laughing and you don't notice what a busy little bee hive you are sitting in.

(more later)

Superwomen

The conversation started quite innocently - bitching about our hours which are weird to start with and extend to scarier times. We are used to it and sometimes, it is also fun pulling those kinds of shifts and then crashing for the next 12 hours straight. It plays havoc on your body they say but hey! you are young only once.

And as most of my co-workers are young too, I don't realise the travails of an adult's life. We aren't adults. we work but it still feels like an extension of school sometimes. Which is why I was shocked when a colleague revealed a few personal details about her life to me. I've known her for 2 years now and though I do know certain details about her life, I never made it my business to ask her. We weren't that kind of friends.

But when she did tell me, and I got over the shock, I realised she was one of the superwomen whom we ignore or just overlook. Work-wise, we do not always get along. She is by-the-book and i'm not... sometimes. But that is work. Personally, she is a nice person. A person who has a lot of responsibilities and is willingly doing it.

We are bought up to think that taking care of your family is your responsibility. But honestly, how many people do you know who'd give up everything and really take care of the family? Who has the time and patience to handle it all? I don't really have it. I lose patience with my family sometimes, even when they are great. I am selfish and I am impatient and those are flaws I am willing to live with and even appreciate right now. Because I am 24 and I don't want to take on the world. touch wood.

And then I remember that there are people who aren't given that choice. And they deal with brilliantly. I wouldn't I know. I've tried. I suck at it. I want my freedom and my space for now. Cold? Perhaps. But that is me. And everything has its time and place. Responsibility, marriage, children etc etc. I want all of that. Just not now.

The weekend that was

"Why aren't you dressed up today" she asked.

Considering I was at a Halloween party, the question could've meant why I wasn't in costume if only the girl asking the question was dressed up in costume. Or maybe she meant that regardless but at that moment I could just look at myself in my favorite old jeans and a red top, with minimal make up and look at her dressed in a sleek backless top and short skirt and fishnet stockings and wonder why the question came.

The party was filled with people dressed really scary to just party wear to the season's favorite accessory - glowing horns. And for some reason as I walked in, I had to think of this line from 'Mean Girls' - Halloween is a time when the girls can wear their sluttiest little dresses and people praise them for it (or some such thing). There were really short dresses on really skinny women. And for some reason I thought this would be the last night I'd be wearing less than a sweater for a while but once I got to the party, I thought - maybe not. Maybe I am woman enough to grin and bear the cold and wear a little dress just so I can look pretty like all the women there.

What makes us do that to ourselves? skinny heels which make our feet cry at the end of the day, clothes that make us freeze our tits off and all that painful time at the parlor?

Anyway... anyone who has been inside a woman's restroom can confirm that is where the real action happens. gossip, bitching and all that primping. and puking. had been a long long long time since i watched a woman puke her guts out in a loo. sort of a fitting action for a rare day out. naturally, there were suggestions about what would make her feel better and my contribution was 'drink lots and lots of water'.

it wasn't exactly sweetly nostalgic as i've never had to hold a friend's head when she puked her guts out. we are more the sort who lie on the couch moaning and laughing about how we let each other drink so much. but it is a fitting end to a night of clubbing.

Rules - Pyaar Ka Superhit Formula

Remember that movie? Rules - Pyaar Ka Superhit Formula? Milind Soman and dunno who the girl was. It was cute. I watched it with a couple of friends at the theatre and came out smiling.

The acting wasn't great... Everyone knows Soman can't really act... but in this movie as he was playing himself aka supermodel with bitchy girlfriend (?) and wanna be restaurateur, he manages to pull it off. The girl is passable, as long as she is not giggling. And there is Tanuja as a really fun granny... cute music and fun...

I was in love with the music for a while. Still am. And Milind Soman never looked better, particularly since I think he took up the bearded look right after. Anyone know any other Mal men who look even half as hot as him?

But this movie got me thinking... you know those 5 rules the movie is all about, to attract someone... they do really work in real life. Even if you aren't really using them consciously.

Guys do pay attention to women who ignore them, particularly the hot ones. Guys run after women who treat them like shit. Guys like the fact that the girl is a little bit of a mystery rather than an open book. And guys like to be praised. Of course, I've never tried it out... but general experience, directness doesn't work. Coy is the 'in' thing.

Yeah yeah all you guys out there protesting that you'd rather have a woman who'd speak upfront are lying through your teeth. With a few rare exceptions. I know the exceptions. I also know the guys - who are really nice guys I would recommend to women too - who say that they would want a woman who is straight forward but they'd all like a bit of buffer too. It works both ways. No matter what situation, you wouldn't want to hear certain things without a bit of buffer. But in relationships, the chase does matter. Personally, I do like the tingles for a little while.

Curry

I just suddenly miss this creamy, yoghurty chicken curry we used to cook in Australia. We weren't chefs. In fact, none of us had ever cooked before in life. But somehow my roomies were great chefs and though they do say that it can't turn out that wrong with cream and garam masala, only the people who've screwed it up knows how it gets.

But right now, i can nearly smell that nearly done curry or fry, see the dark yellow or red, creamy sauce being stirred, pouring the cream slowly to reduce the spice for me and the delicious, fat-filled chicken we would mix with rice. It wasn't home food, we used to complain, though it was damn good.

Strange that I am back home now and I miss that food. The butter chicken that was creamy and sweet (!!), the creamy chicken curry version cooked there, the puff pastry that doubled as rotis (okay... maybe not that one) and the tortilla bread... but most most most the curry. the marinated chicken lying to be cooked in that bench sized kitchen.

Sometimes, home food can have two parts.

***

Edit: I found out today that this guy I know has a tattoo. Was a little blown cuz hey he didn't seem like the tattooed types. It takes a particular kind of... craziness... to put yourself through pain. And having recently pierced myself and knowing I would probably do it again, I know what kind it is, even if i can't describe it. And this guy didn't really fit the mold. Too soft and well, geeky.

And no matter what you claim, tattoos are a bad boy or a semi bad boy thing. Of course, our relationship is such that I really wouldn't know him that well. But I figured him to be the sort who liked the finer things in life. A tattoo represents the other side of it.

A symbol, yes. But the symbol he chose as well is just... I simply can't get my head around it. My friend says he has a wild side. Can't get my head around that too. Cuz hey he is... well, him! Slightly geekish, playstation playing, knowledgeable, sometimes funny, sometimes sarcastic, slightly geekish (again) guy.

Wild? Semi wild? no no no. Bad boys are sorta my type and he really doesn't fit the bill where I'd least be tempted to flirt.

Or is this a case of do not judge a book by its cover. Leave the cover on please.

10 smiley things

* Driving on empty, freshly done roads, with a cool breeze that has hints of winter in it

* Not knowing what exactly you want to eat but discovering whatever you order is just what your brain wanted

* Getting a silly message from a friend when you aren't expecting it. When your day is jammed with horrible things anyway.

* Someone cute saying something cute about you and meaning it

* An admiring glance at you when you are feeling like shit, have had 5 hours of sleep and think you've dark circles

* Absolute silence

... fill in the rest

I feel Old.

It always starts with affection, rises to something a little more, sinks into annoyance and frustration and a lil dislike before it can go back to affection again. Maybe it is a cycle. Maybe it is not. I'm in the annoyance phase. And it is a little sad. I try to put his face to a dream or a fantasy and it just doesn't click anymore. I guess that means it is finally waning. Which is good. But also - Daim.

On a happier note, a friend of mine is finally getting serious about a girl. And for the first time in too long to remember, I can whole heartedly say yay. This isn't about the girl. This is about him and something else... maybe that I just trust him and his judgement more? I am not going to disset this. But it feels good to be able to hear about something like this and smile and just feel good. Too long it has been doubts and "is this what you want". Too long has it been with people with doubts. omygod! I'm getting mushy! I need a dose of Cristina!!!

Why is it that every sitcom I watch, I never like the main character. I never much liked Carrie in SNTC, though people compare her to me - note, just because I am a writer and like shoes doesn't make me like her. I hope to hell not like her!!! I liked Samantha and Miranda. I liked the way Sam could just live her life on her rules and Miranda's cynicism. My kind of women!!!

I've emptied myself the past two years and filled it with crap because I felt empty. I think it is time to really get back on the road and do what I want. Friends, relationships have changed its definition so much. I am more afraid to trust than ever, the cynicism has been sharply honed and i'm jaded enough that nothing much surprises me these days. If i only work on the bit of there are certain things people do that hurt me and change that into the real i don't care, i guess will make a great journalist.

All this and i'm just 24. But I feel old.

Give me a nice book, new music and a hammock.